This is my journey of Coming to abide in a place of resting in His acceptance.
In the last year my whole being came to a place where I gave up on myself. Physically and emotionally I came to a place of burn out. Some days I did not want to live anymore. On those days I would force myself to be thankful for what I have and repeated all the promises I knew. It was like constantly swimming upstream alone. The joy of my salvation was elusive to say the least. In the last few months my daily prayer was: ‘Father restore to me the joy of my salvation’
The constant feeling of ‘what’s the use, you don’t matter, your life don’t matter, you are in the way and what you say and do does not make a difference’, dragged me down to a point that I said to the Father that I don’t want to live anymore if I have to live like that. No amount of thankfulness or renewing my mind with His promises, chased away the nagging feeling, but kept it at bay. I kept on serving my family with love, as that was the only clear directive that made it against the onslaught of these terrible nagging thoughts. All else seemed futile and useless.
This past weekend the Father brought me to a beautiful farm in the Groot Mariko District, through a friend of mine that turned physically blind in the last year. On this beautiful place he restored my joy and finally showed me through a man and women in his service that ‘I am wanted’. We brought my friend to people that nurtured him spiritually, for physical healing and in the process the Father opened my spiritual eyes.
I needed to forgive my father again for not wanting me when he heard I was on the way. In the process I forgave him again for disappearing for weeks at a time without us knowing where he was in the first seven years of my life. This was so traumatic to me that my mind cut it out totally. When my sister spoke to me about it when I was 21 it was news to me. Even though I could not remember it, this just perpetuated the lie that I was unwanted. This feeling had dominated my life to such an extent that on many days I wanted to do to my family what my father did to us. I did not realize my reaction to what my father did was the source of my battle, because I thought I had dealt with it already. It took going to a piece of land where I felt fully accepted and loved by the people and the land, to break this cycle that I had been caught in for years. The owner of the land lead me to forgive my father again for not wanting me and Yeshua freed me from an orphan spirit. It was not the first time, but this time I was totally free.
Afterwards we went up to a landing strip that this man is busy building. There I saw in the physical what the father has shown me in the spirit about the third dimension or the most special place. Yeshua tore the curtain so we could enter into His presence with fullness of joy. That is but a door to a great panorama of wide open spaces. The photo above depicts something of what I saw. It’s not a photo of the landing strip, as the landing strip view is so vast that a camera cannot fully capture what one sees up there.
Never will I be unwanted again, because on that beautiful farm, my heart came to a place where it finally understood that:
‘The King of the universe wants me.’
On the way back we visited a lady that is busy creating a garden of Eden on her farm. In this garden she is busy growing herbs, vegetables and many plants that would be needed to live and be restored back to health. I wanted to surprise my friend whose sight is being fully restored. There the Father provided his abundance for the day in the physical. We also met people to whom we had a connection surrounding Zimbabwe since 2011.
It took nearly 20 years for me to get to this place of assurance through many clues and healing sessions. What He gave this time is like the icing on the cake.
Finally I am free and can rest in the deepest recesses of my heart in the knowing:
‘I am accepted in the Beloved.’