Resting in His acceptance

This is my journey of Coming to abide in a place of resting in His acceptance.

In the last year my whole being came to a place where I gave up on myself. Physically and emotionally I came to a place of burn out. Some days I did not want to live anymore. On those days I would force myself to be thankful for what I have and repeated all the promises I knew. It was like constantly swimming upstream alone. The joy of my salvation was elusive to say the least. In the last few months my daily prayer was: ‘Father restore to me the joy of my salvation’

The constant feeling of ‘what’s the use, you don’t matter, your life don’t matter, you are in the way and what you say and do does not make a difference’, dragged me down to a point that I said to the Father that I don’t want to live anymore if I have to live like that. No amount of thankfulness or renewing my mind with His promises, chased away the nagging feeling, but kept it at bay. I kept on serving my family with love, as that was the only clear directive that made it against the onslaught of these terrible nagging thoughts. All else seemed futile and useless.

This past weekend the Father brought me to a beautiful farm in the Groot Mariko District, through a friend of mine that turned physically blind in the last year. On this beautiful place he restored my joy and finally showed me through a man and women in his service that ‘I am wanted’. We brought my friend to people that nurtured him spiritually, for physical healing and in the process the Father opened my spiritual eyes.

I needed to forgive my father again for not wanting me when he heard I was on the way. In the process I forgave him again for disappearing for weeks at a time without us knowing where he was in the first seven years of my life. This was so traumatic to me that my mind cut it out totally. When my sister spoke to me about it when I was 21 it was news to me. Even though I could not remember it, this just perpetuated the lie that I was unwanted. This feeling had dominated my life to such an extent that on many days I wanted to do to my family what my father did to us. I did not realize my reaction to what my father did was the source of my battle, because I thought I had dealt with it already. It took going to a piece of land where I felt fully accepted and loved by the people and the land, to break this cycle that I had been caught in for years. The owner of the land lead me to forgive my father again for not wanting me and Yeshua freed me from an orphan spirit. It was not the first time, but this time I was totally free.

Afterwards we went up to a landing strip that this man is busy building. There I saw in the physical what the father has shown me in the spirit about the third dimension or the most special place. Yeshua tore the curtain so we could enter into His presence with fullness of joy. That is but a door to a great panorama of wide open spaces. The photo above depicts something of what I saw. It’s not a photo of the landing strip, as the landing strip view is so vast that a camera cannot fully capture what one sees up there.

Never will I be unwanted again, because on that beautiful farm, my heart came to a place where it finally understood that:
The King of the universe wants me.’

On the way back we visited a lady that is busy creating a garden of Eden on her farm. In this garden she is busy growing herbs, vegetables and many plants that would be needed to live and be restored back to health. I wanted to surprise my friend whose sight is being fully restored. There the Father provided his abundance for the day in the physical. We also met people to whom we had a connection surrounding Zimbabwe since 2011.

It took nearly 20 years for me to get to this place of assurance through many clues and healing sessions. What He gave this time is like the icing on the cake.

Finally I am free and can rest in the deepest recesses of my heart in the knowing:
‘I am accepted in the Beloved.’


The grace of Growth


Over December we had to store all our furniture at a friend’s place and look after another friend’s house while we tried to find another house over the holiday season in South Africa. My pots with some plants had to be left behind at our old house until we found a new place. In my mind I wrote them off.

About 6 weeks later I went to fetch them. To my surprise they were thriving. There were even a lovely watermelon plant that grew from seeds my children dropped in one pot. No one took care of them. The rain fed and nurtured them. Before I went to fetch them I was discouraged because of numerous battles we were facing at the time. Realizing that they grew without my care, simply by recieving rain and just being, encouraged me. All I had to do is give them soil and put them in the rain. Our creator and savior Yeshua is the one that provides the growth through pre-programmed genius creation of each creature, plant or human. All He requires of us is to receive His rain, that contains all the nurture we need to grow. We cannot force growth through performance. We can water and fertilize when the rain is little, but we are not in control of the growth. Sometimes the best growth happens just through receiving nurture through His grace-and-truth rain. Just by being and receiving what He gives.

With us however we can block the growth by refusing to recieve grace from Him and having grace with ourselves. We tend to perform to live up to whatever standard got stuck in our head. When we don’t live up to this standard we condemn ourselves and refuse grace. By doing that we create an environment around ourselves that numbs and dampen all initiative and creativity. Because we constantly condemn ourselves for not meeting the invisible, unrealistic standards in our head, we block His rain. In the process those around us constantly feel guilty and condemned as well.

Growth will happen both ways. When we choose to remain a slave to our high standards we create a parisitical, cancerous environment from which every one around us long to escape.

When we choose to release ourselves from the stranglehold of our unrealistic expectations, we can start to recieve his Grace-and-truth rain. This growth will be positive and create an environment in which those around us can grow as well.

You create a safe haven where everyone around you can feel safe and accepted because you recieved the truth that you are accepted in the Beloved.

Starting with our 12th year

Sometimes we pray for things for years and nothing seems to happen. Sometimes it seems that the Father is on mute when it comes to our personal lives, while still speaking to us about other people.

There are a few stories that flow together. My mother had a back operation 2 years ago. My brother’s oldest son, Reuben was reconciled with my parents after there was almost no relationship because of conflict between my brother and his wife, and my parents. Things were left unsorted for years. Hard-headedness from both sides robbed them from valuable relationships for about 15 years. This was the beginning of a reconciliation process that has been postponed for 3 generations between father and oldest son.

Since our first child was born and I stopped working we have been struggling financially, but we have never been without food. My husband got out of teaching to self-publish his book in 2010 and we started our own multi-faceted business. It had been an exhilarating, yet difficult walk. He had been trying to find a job for the last few months without being successful. Many times I would go to a friend and say that it feels that the Father had forgotten us.

On 11\11\2016 a friend of ours was killed in an accident. He was literally crushed between a concrete wall and a fully loaded traylor. Part of his function in the body was to protect the heart much like the rib cage does. His death exposed the heart and showed us that the love in the body got hurt critically. He was a father in Africa and the wound will take a long time to heal. His death just exposed the spiritual wound that was already there in the body. His life was about the secret chord of unity where we create a space of grace for each other even though we may not agree in areas. Much like the 2 sides of DNA that will never meet, but are connected with struts that bind them together in a unique pattern. With Stephan’s death a multiplication of who he was took place in the understanding of the body around him. 11/11 became 22:22.

In Isaiah 22:22 Isaiah 22:22 it says: (Voice in the Wilderness)  ‘And the key of the house of David I will lay on his shoulder; so he shall open, and no one shall shut; and he shall shut, and no one shall open.’ This references to. Rev 3:8 ‘Revelation 3:8 (VW)  I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My Word, and have not denied My name.’

My eldest brother called me a week before our 11th anniversary which is the start of our 12th year together. He wanted to organize a family get-together at my place on our anniversary without knowing that it was on the same day. My whole family was there. Even my brother and his oldest son came. They have not spoken to each other for over a year because of a deadlock in their relationship. Reconciliation has not taken place yet, but at least they saw each other. Even the code of the buns that I ordered was 22. On our anniversary we received a car as a gift. The car is 11 years old.

After the family gathering I realized that if you turn one 2 of the 22 to face the other one as a mirror image it makes a heart with a foundation, looking like the cherubs covering the mercy seat and like buffalo horns connected in the front. When we find ourselves in a ‘catch 22’ situation one of the 2’s must turn in our heads first so our place of grace and love can be restored, so we can rule, be joyful and thankful in our circumstances.


My husband accepted a post at a new school yesterday after months of searching and our business has picked up in great leaps in the past few weeks. I don’t quite understand why it took so long, but I know that the Father is busy weaving a tapestry of which we only see the back and sometimes a glimpse of the front. When the back seems like a mess we must just trust the one that sees the whole tapestry.

Choose Life

Written 19 November 2016


In the last few months we have been confronted with death in an ever increasing stream of bad news. For us personally a friend almost died when a buffalo trampled him. He lost his left leg from below the knee. Thankfully he is recovering well. Another friend’s daughter was found in a coma next to her husband and died on the way to hospital. She was only 22. This past week we were at the Thanksgiving service for a friend’s life that died in a tragic accident. He leaves his wife and 2 children. He was a father in Africa. He was a farmer in Africa. He had many other children in the spirit and worked tirelessly for community transformation in Africa. The recent floods killed at least 6 people of which one is a 3 year old girl who is probably still missing. Daily we are receiving reports of more and more brutal farm murders and attacks. Every farmer employ between 3 to 300, people if not more.  With the politicians inciting white and black people against each other and saying they are going to kill if farms are not handed over without compensation, it makes it difficult to see a future in a country whose leadership does not want a certain people group that have been part of them for 400 years to continue to live here.

When faced with physical evidence of death, how are we as believers supposed to react if we believe in Yeshua that is Life itself? On the day of the thanksgiving service for Stephan, our friend, my brother’s son asked me what I thought of the sketch of Albrecht Dürer called the Rider, or more commonly known as The Rider, Death and Satan. He did not know about Stephan.
The following was my response:
‘They (death and Satan) can’t however operate with Light even if they are always lurking just outside the circle of Light. Look at the difference in demeanor between the 2 horses in the picture. Our default is death….being distracted by negativity and fear is our sinful nature. The choice is Life. Even in the face of death and tragedy, we can choose life. The movie ‘The Book thief’ is a good example of this….
When someone close to you die however, the choice is not to surrender to the desire to join them in our thoughts. We cannot become the ‘living dead’ because of pain and loss. While we are here we need to choose Life in every action, word and thought even though it might be shrouded by pain, uncertainty and death. When we are in the cloud of witnesses we will see all without the shroud. Until then we have to have faith in the promise of Life (Yeshua) Himself. ‘


Today we have a choice to overcome the evil inside each of us that steers us automatically to negativity, fear and eventually death. The first thing we have to do is to put a guard in front of our mouths and speak life.  Pray and surrender to Life and ask for His agenda for the country.  Thousands are gathering today with Angus Buchan to bring this country to Yeshua and ask that His agenda will be the one that prevails.  The only way it can prevail however is if each and every one that profess to know Him starts to ask for His strategy in their unique situation and follow that in spite of fear and death all around us. Our country is in a huge crisis.  May the Father of Life grant us the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, counsel and might, knowledge and perhaps, most of all the fear of YAHWEH which is where all Wisdom starts.

The Grace Tango


In the previous article I asked whether we want to remain a mad king nation.

The solution starts with all of us as individuals. When we look at each other from our own graceless protection mechanism, we look through fear, suspicion, generalisation, prejudice and doubt. From this point of view we look for the bad things in each other and expect to be decieved and hurt by other people on the one hand. On the other side we enter into a relationship or friendship with huge unspoken expectations of ourselves and the other person. These expectations are usually much higher than either of us can meet. We even place people on pedestals. When they are human, make mistakes and don’t fulfil the big unspoken dreams we have for the friendship, we more than often get offended and discard the friendship as if the other person has no value anymore.

In the Tango scene in the movie ‘The scent of a woman’  the main actor says: “The tango is not like life. No mistakes. When you get tangled up, you just tangle on.” When we can have grace with ourselves to tangle on after we made a mistake and even laugh at ourselves, because we know Who loves us and that Yeshua’s love is not based on our meeting of a list of rules and expectations, but simply on who we are in Him, we can have have grace with others. Our true eternal identity can either be a weapon for destruction or a tool for healing. When we work with truth without grace it becomes a destructive force of false expectations for ourselves and others that grows into an idol in our hearts against who no human or Yeshua can ever measure up. When we are in this place people cannot feel safe with us since they always have to perform. We cannot even feel at ease with ourselves because in our minds we constantly have to live up to the false image of the performance idol in our head.

These expectations become swords and different weapons of destruction that we use in various clever ways. We justify ourselves in many ways. Taking responsibility and letting ourselves and someone else bear the consequences for their actions becomes a weapon. Life does that all on its own. We need to learn to have grace with each other in the consequences while learning to take responsibility for our own choices. Too often we blame our actions on someone else.  No one can make us angry! If that were true we would have no authority over our own emotions and reactions. This would mean we are getting tossed around by everybody and everything around us. If we choose this we hand our eternal authority to choose how we respond to the people and circumstances around us. When we choose to respond with grace and wisdom, which is a prayer away, we start to take back our authority and use our eternal identity as a grace-tool, not as a destructive weapon.


Let’s lay down our spears of prejudice, false expectations and fear and take up the eternal identity with which each of us had been blessed to build and love each other from a place of grace. Let’s love each other as He has loved us.

Life puzzles and mosaic


In the past few weeks I have sorted out at least 30 puzzles and many more games that were scattered after an occupational therapist moved from one place to another.

Some puzzles were found, others were half and for others there were only a few random pieces left that did not fit anywhere. Everytime I found another piece of a puzzle and eventually finished some, I experienced joy.


Slowly I realized that our lives are a lot like that. At about 40 life has thrown a few curveballs that scattered the neatly sorted puzzles of ideals and dreams into a state of confusion. Life is not as neat as puzzles though. Sometimes we have to build a new puzzle with the pieces that is left because some of the pieces got lost forever. It’s almost like building a beautiful mosaic from the broken pieces of a beloved piece of porcelain. The end result looks totally different from the original one in our heads. That does not make it less beautiful, just different from our initial expectation.

When we have the courage to embark on the rebuilding process in our own lives, the Father sends people across our paths that need our help to start rebuilding the scattered puzzles in their own lives. The joy and peace, when the picture eventually starts to make sense again, is indescribable.


As we rebuild and organize the mosaic of our lives, it is helpful to take note of some signposts of how we had found hope in chaos. As the Father sends people across our paths that are in their own process of healing and sorting out, we find the signposts to be principles that can be used differently in each situation.

May we find the courage to build the mosaic of our lives into a picture that will pleasantly surprise us in the end.

Photo credits: Dinti de Beer

Harp’s clean teeth


Last week

we went to the oral and dental hospital for Harp’s oral hygiene appointment. As we came in we met a lady whose son turned nearly blind about a year ago. As we exchanged numbers we could encourage each other.

At his appointment the ladies were very understanding and gentle with him. I discovered that if I hold his jaw gently with one hand and massage him on one side it is easier for him to keep his mouth open. The one lady even helped with the assesment regarding his wisdom teeth at a total different department.

We thank you for your kindness, grace and patience with Harp as he comes in for every appointment. You are doing great work.