In the last few years, I came face to face with my own brokenness, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I came to the place of total numbness, where some days, I had to catch myself with the thought that life is not worth living. To add to the challenge, I badly tore a ligament in my left ankle-which is my strong leg.
The lies of uselessness, being a burden and inherently feeling unwanted came to the surface vividly in this time. None of this came from my marriage or my children. Looking at my life, I had no reason to feel like this, which made the guilt trips for being in this place in the first place, worse. The lies were exposed in the place of being totally stripped, where full burnout and immobility brought me to.
His Grace taught me in this time that my inherent worth is only determined by the One that loves me and made me. Nothing I do, say or accomplish from striving can validate me. We are validated through Yeshua only. I was coming to a place of rest in Him. Dealing with the lies and repenting for letting myself get to the point of burnout because of them, freed me.
It opened my eyes to a few things:
- Boundaries determined from a place of rest brings rest, real peace and order in a home.
- Everything I do, needs to come from that place of rest in Him.
- Everything I do because I want to validate my worth and usefulness adds burdens on me that are not from Him.
- We can only serve one another with love when we do it from our intimate resting place in Him.
- Any other service has some kind of condition attached to it, of which only our innermost being is sometimes aware. The fruit of serving in our own effort is burnout, strife and unmet expectations.
When we were house hunting again this year, I asked the Father to bring me to the place of contentment that Paul reached in Phil 4:11,12. One evening at home church he showed me where I was in Him since conception. He showed me my inner-wing refuge in Him. He brought me to a place of contentment in Him in spite of circumstances.
His rain brings the resources and His wind draws them out like the wind pump above. My ‘job’ is to operate from that place of acceptance and rest from which I can really start to live, move and have my being.
harmonieshofar 