Breaking the chains

When Elizabeth wanted to reconcile with Harp last year it was so good. We were all very excited to see how things will develop. His Grandma however said: ‘I will get excited when she still contacts him after six months.’ 

After the second time Harp and his brother stayed over at Elizabeth’s place for the weekend she started avoiding him again. All her promises started to return empty as well.

After a while he stopped asking her for a visit. The Missing Mom wound or otherwise known as Reactive attachment disorder started surfacing again. After watching October baby a few times Harp eventually got to a point when he phoned her and told he he forgave her for not making time for him and for all the empty promises. He also told her that he is releasing her. None of her responsewas was more than ‘ok’.

He released himself in the process to see and be thankful for what he has, and stop pining for what he cannot have. He chose to break the chains around his own heart that kept him distant. Things are starting to turn slowly.

Forgiveness releases the one forgiving to see and enjoy the gifts that has been right infront of him all the time.


Missing mom and RAD (MMW-Missing mom wound)

Missing mom.

When Harp starts to argue,manipulate and play me and
Barnabas of against each other I know it’s just a symptom of something way
deeper. The therapists call it RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). It sounds
complicated. Here is a summary as best as I can give it. When a child is
removed from their main care giver (in Harp’s case his mom), when they are
younger than 4 years for long periods it starts. They find it difficult to
attach to someone else since the first person that had to look after them was
taken away. Instead of attaching to the new mother/father figure they treat
them with anger, hostility and ingenious manipulation. When they are alone with
the new mother they do these things but when there are other people around they
are the sweetest children. Harp does it in such a sharp way that his dad
sometimes doesn’t realize it till I had too much and get angry with Harp. When
he gets like that I can know he misses his mom and needs me to spend some time
alone with him. I call it MMW\MDW (Missing Mom\Dad Wound)

It is much better than 6 years ago, but with him it’s a slow
healing process since his mental and emotional capacities ranges from 2-5
years. When it comes close to crucial times like his birthday it gets worse
when he does not hear from his mom. After working through it every time it gets
better though.

Is there anyone out there that also deals with children in blended families and has to deal with MMW\MDW in their family??



Reasoning with a 3-year old 19-year old !!!

Sounds crazy, doesn’t it. Those that deal with older
mentally handicapped children will understand. The natural desire in us for
normal growth is so strong that even though one knows with your mind this young adult-child’s reason is on the same level as most 2-5 year olds, one’s heart
talks to him as a 19 year old. Maybe its because he looks me right in the eye.
Maybe its because I’m trying to call him to a better place, but he is unable to
reach it. Then you add RAD (reactive attachment disorder /MMW missing mom
wound). At the time when his mom left them Harp was 4 years old.

All these give you a combination of someone who doesn’t understand the difference in time between one hour and one minute and one day,
one month or one week. He has this mega memory that has to process it through an XT processor. This means he will only hear half the story, make the other half up himself in his context and believe the outcome. Which can be hilarious sometimes. 🙂

Harp and I argued about traffic and the time he needs to be
at work. The first thing he usually starts with is ‘but Daddy. . .’ and then he
continues to talk down on me as if I am the child in the picture and He the
adult. That is where MMW features very strong, because he still does not trust
my word because his heart got hurt by his biological mom that he was
supposed to trust. I’ve been with him 2 years longer now than his biological
mom, and am still facing this frustration on a daily basis.

In my mind I am trying to figure out why we are still battling
with the same thing after 6 years. Maybe it’s because I was too soft with him
and did not punish him from the first warning and follow through with the
punishment every time. Maybe because I lose it almost every time when he gets
like that, while I know in my heart he is actually angry with Elizabeth for
abandoning him. With the last argument I threw a sponge and dishcloth at him.
When he gets like this I just want to wake him up so He can see I am not the
enemy. That reaction wil certainly not accomplish that.

The strange thing about these scenes is that it takes place
every time after Harp and I had some meaningful one on one time. My natural
reaction is to then avoid one on one time with him for a while.

Is there anyone out there that deals with this kind of
situation that came up with a way to deal with a mentally handicapped child wit
a serious MMW? If there is please let me know, because I am not seeing results
from my way of dealing with it.