When the numbness of survival turns to feeling


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Survival in a broken world tends to push me into numbness, auto-pilot mode – don’t let them see you’re breaking inside, hide your true feelings for the sake of your family and your own survival when some fire of life has schorched all feeling to lifeless blackness.

At some stage the build up of steam of hidden feelings starts to cause cracks in the thick, numb skin of survival. It starts like hair line cracks in a dam wall and can still be controlled with the polyfiller of daily activity. These cracks however find their way to the very foundation of being where no makeshift patch-up technique will suffice or even nearly reach.

One day one of the cracks run through to the foundation and starts leaking there where we cannot patch up. At this stage it surfuces in frustration, anger, desperation (even though you are not willing to acknowledge it yet), hopelessness, depression and an intense need to run far away and hide your head in the sand.

Then the wall starts cracking and one starts to feel and remember your heart. You find yourself at a place where it is difficult to speak about anything truly important to you without crying, only to wonder afterwards: “Where did that come from?”

A picture, movie scene, familiar smells and places start to trigger emotions deeply hidden for years. This is the point where your children look when are you going to start to cry in familiar scenes in movies.

Its a painfull journey back to transparency and openness so we can be the mirror in which the world sees hope, love and life without pretense or hidden motives.

May we be willing to embark on our own journeys of becoming a transparent real picture of love and hope. His mercies are truly new when each day begins at dusk. His day starts when the light is at its darkest to our vision. May that knowing surety in His love carry us through the darkest hours before dawn.